So here we go again, again! And again....and again and again and again.
I've been turning over this weight-loss problem in my head for the last few days and can't figure out what the goal should be, which seems stupid considering that obviously I'm overweight and could use to lose a few (like, say a paltry 30 or 40lbs) . Then again, there seem to be lots of reasons to toss the whole idea out the window and just be chunky! Ha! There, I said it.
I have been fighting with my weight for my entire adult life, and NEVER gotten to my goal...and I'm wondering if I have the dedication to keep working on it. Would it be so bad to just be the way I am forever? Has it just become a habit to be frustrated with myself? Could I learn to accept myself like this?
So in the interest of being a little more objective, I have put together a list of pro's and con's for continuing to bang my head against the wall - I mean, to make an effort at weight loss.
CON (in no particular order)
1. it takes effort and staying fat is easier
2. Holy crap! I had a whole list in my head but once I started typing them out I realized that they all just boil down to #1. So, to the pro's....
PRO (in no particular order)
1. Oh my, there are so many that I'm too lazy to type them all out.
You know what I just realized? Fundamentally I am a pretty lazy person...which may very well be why I have never gotten to my goal weight. It may also be the reason why my house is such a disaster most of the time. Or maybe it's the cumulative effect of not getting anywhere near enough sleep for the last seven years...could it be that that is the missing link? Hoo hoo! Eureka!
All right then, perhaps that is what I should be working on instead of constantly wondering why I can't seem to find the time or energy to follow through with anything.
The sleep thing is a problem too, though - how on earth do I find the time to sleep more? In order to be a semi-attentive mother, I have to be awake when my kids are awake. In order to bring home a paycheque I have to be at work part of the time that they're asleep. Hmmm...something will have to change here so that balance can become a possibility.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Insults and Injuries
Two nights ago I was lying flat on our living room floor feeling very, very sorry for myself. My back was throbbing in multiple places (still don't know what I even did to it) and doing the triathlon this weekend seemed impossible. Even so, there was a little voice in my head that wouldn't shut up, and it kept saying, "Don't be such a baby. If this is the worst thing that ever happens to you, you are one lucky girl. Pain is temporary. Get up off the floor. Get up! DO IT!"
Stupid voice of reason. Then again, I thought, this isn't the first time I've had to bail on a race because of an injury, and it certainly won't be the last. Sure it sucks, but it's not the end of the world. So I got up off the floor, picked up the phone, and made an appointment with my chiropractor for the next afternoon.
Fast-forward through two days, one VERY painful session with my chiropractor, one therapeutic massage, and I'm ready to take over the world! Well, ready to race on Sunday, anyway. So to celebrate, this evening I pulled out a couple of race outfits to see what still fits (yup, definitely gained a few since last season - argh) and the answer is: everything and nothing. Everything looks sort of okay, nothing is really that comfortable...and I started to come down on myself again. You know, the usual suspects: you're going to be the fattest girl out there, you have no business being there, you're going to come in last and embarass yourself, hope nobody comes to watch 'cause it will just be humiliating, blah blah blah.
But before these yucky thoughts could really take hold, my trusty little loudmouthed voice of reason (which I think is becoming more outspoken and feisty because I'm aging -- ha ha) piped up and said, "Who gives a shit? Maybe you will be the fattest person out there, but so what? You're not there to win, you're there to participate because you love the sport (and maybe crush your PR). AND remember how many hours of training you put in this year - you may just surprise some people out there."
Gotta keep thinking positive and deal with the setbacks one at a time.
Days until Race Day: 2!
Stupid voice of reason. Then again, I thought, this isn't the first time I've had to bail on a race because of an injury, and it certainly won't be the last. Sure it sucks, but it's not the end of the world. So I got up off the floor, picked up the phone, and made an appointment with my chiropractor for the next afternoon.
Fast-forward through two days, one VERY painful session with my chiropractor, one therapeutic massage, and I'm ready to take over the world! Well, ready to race on Sunday, anyway. So to celebrate, this evening I pulled out a couple of race outfits to see what still fits (yup, definitely gained a few since last season - argh) and the answer is: everything and nothing. Everything looks sort of okay, nothing is really that comfortable...and I started to come down on myself again. You know, the usual suspects: you're going to be the fattest girl out there, you have no business being there, you're going to come in last and embarass yourself, hope nobody comes to watch 'cause it will just be humiliating, blah blah blah.
But before these yucky thoughts could really take hold, my trusty little loudmouthed voice of reason (which I think is becoming more outspoken and feisty because I'm aging -- ha ha) piped up and said, "Who gives a shit? Maybe you will be the fattest person out there, but so what? You're not there to win, you're there to participate because you love the sport (and maybe crush your PR). AND remember how many hours of training you put in this year - you may just surprise some people out there."
Gotta keep thinking positive and deal with the setbacks one at a time.
Days until Race Day: 2!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
100-Day Triathlon Challenge - Done!
"Okay, tomorrow's day one! A little nervous - can I do this??"
Is what I wrote on the FB wall for the 100-Day Triathlon Challenge Group on Jan 30, 2010, at 10:53pm.
I should know by now that I should never make snap decisions late at night - especially ones that are long-term commitments. But it seemed like a good idea given that I was looking forward to doing some more triathlons this coming season and needed some kind of plan; at the very least a good sound kick in the ass to get me going. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
At the end of January of this year, I was not on top of my game to say the least. I was still shaking off the effects of a nasty concussion, I was bummed because I hadn't really been able to work out in six weeks, and I had gained a pile of weight due to the deadly combination of Christmas season and an abrupt halt to the training I had been doing. I was exhausted, stressed, and feeling like I was dragging everyone around me down, both at work and at home. Perfect timing to add another huge project to my overextended schedule! No wonder my supportive, patient, loving husband reacted the way he did...
"100 workouts in 100 days? And your group fitness classes don't count? You're nuts. I'll be amazed if you last 30 days. Good luck with that."
The thing is, I did put some really hard thought into whether or not to start this project...for about 5 minutes. See, I didn't have much time - I had to start sometime in the month of January, and the next day was January 31st. But it seemed manageable: the acceptable workouts for this plan were running, swimming (for a minimum of 20 minutes to qualify), cycling, and cross-country skiing (for a minimum of 30 minutes). It didn't seem too daunting. In fact, it seemed too easy so immediately I set my own personal minimums at 30 minutes for running and swimming and 45 minutes for cycling (I don't ski so that wasn't
an option anyway). What a perfect way to start getting into race shape, lose the pounds I had piled onto my butt over Christmas, and give myself the sense that I was accomplishing something again! It would be easy!
So off I went. I worked out for 4 whole days in a row before the first big bump in the road happened, otherwise known as PukeFest 2010. My eldest daughter Shannon came down with a vicious tummy bug that soon spread to her sister, then (on the same day for added fun) Joel and I. Three days gone without a single workout unless you count trucking load after load of laundry up and down the stairs and scrubbing
vomit off the ceiling. (No, I'm not kidding - Shannon has an extraordinary gift for launching bodily fluids over great distances).
It was day 22 before I was caught up.
By day 28 I began to think I could dance around Joel crowing "I told you so!!" It was starting to get easier and I was actually enjoying it. I was stronger and fitter and faster than I had ever been and my sense of accomplishment was growing. I was losing weight and feeling my energy coming back. This was great! I kept going, occasionally falling behind by a day or so but always making it back up within a week. I had always heard that it takes 30 days to form a habit, and now I knew it was true. "Whoohoo!" I thought. "Somebody stop me! I am 10 feet tall and bulletproof! Yeehaw!"
But then it got harder. Between days 30 and 50, the words 'BAIL' and 'HURTING' and 'SORE' began to appear more frequently in my training log. I kept chipping away though, and every so often I'd have a good day where I would just coast along at speeds that seemed impossible a year or two ago. Those were the days that kept me going...and on the bad days I'd think, "I'll just finish this workout today and if I
feel like quitting tomorrow, I'll pack it in." But then, after about day 50, giving up was not an option. What, was I going to get this far and then just bail? Forget that!
And now suddenly it's done! Today was my 100th workout, and I did it on day 99 - I wanted the grand finale to fall on Mothers' Day: my gift to myself. Over the last 10 days or so I've been feeling pretty worn out and overtrained, but I'm excited to see what I'm capable of once I get some rest. My first race of the year is 4 weeks from today and it will be the first race I've ever done where you can bet that I won't be standing on the beach before the gun goes off, wondering if I'm ready, if I trained enough, if I deserve to be there. 'Cause I did it! Hell yeah!
Is what I wrote on the FB wall for the 100-Day Triathlon Challenge Group on Jan 30, 2010, at 10:53pm.
I should know by now that I should never make snap decisions late at night - especially ones that are long-term commitments. But it seemed like a good idea given that I was looking forward to doing some more triathlons this coming season and needed some kind of plan; at the very least a good sound kick in the ass to get me going. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
At the end of January of this year, I was not on top of my game to say the least. I was still shaking off the effects of a nasty concussion, I was bummed because I hadn't really been able to work out in six weeks, and I had gained a pile of weight due to the deadly combination of Christmas season and an abrupt halt to the training I had been doing. I was exhausted, stressed, and feeling like I was dragging everyone around me down, both at work and at home. Perfect timing to add another huge project to my overextended schedule! No wonder my supportive, patient, loving husband reacted the way he did...
"100 workouts in 100 days? And your group fitness classes don't count? You're nuts. I'll be amazed if you last 30 days. Good luck with that."
The thing is, I did put some really hard thought into whether or not to start this project...for about 5 minutes. See, I didn't have much time - I had to start sometime in the month of January, and the next day was January 31st. But it seemed manageable: the acceptable workouts for this plan were running, swimming (for a minimum of 20 minutes to qualify), cycling, and cross-country skiing (for a minimum of 30 minutes). It didn't seem too daunting. In fact, it seemed too easy so immediately I set my own personal minimums at 30 minutes for running and swimming and 45 minutes for cycling (I don't ski so that wasn't
an option anyway). What a perfect way to start getting into race shape, lose the pounds I had piled onto my butt over Christmas, and give myself the sense that I was accomplishing something again! It would be easy!
So off I went. I worked out for 4 whole days in a row before the first big bump in the road happened, otherwise known as PukeFest 2010. My eldest daughter Shannon came down with a vicious tummy bug that soon spread to her sister, then (on the same day for added fun) Joel and I. Three days gone without a single workout unless you count trucking load after load of laundry up and down the stairs and scrubbing
vomit off the ceiling. (No, I'm not kidding - Shannon has an extraordinary gift for launching bodily fluids over great distances).
It was day 22 before I was caught up.
By day 28 I began to think I could dance around Joel crowing "I told you so!!" It was starting to get easier and I was actually enjoying it. I was stronger and fitter and faster than I had ever been and my sense of accomplishment was growing. I was losing weight and feeling my energy coming back. This was great! I kept going, occasionally falling behind by a day or so but always making it back up within a week. I had always heard that it takes 30 days to form a habit, and now I knew it was true. "Whoohoo!" I thought. "Somebody stop me! I am 10 feet tall and bulletproof! Yeehaw!"
But then it got harder. Between days 30 and 50, the words 'BAIL' and 'HURTING' and 'SORE' began to appear more frequently in my training log. I kept chipping away though, and every so often I'd have a good day where I would just coast along at speeds that seemed impossible a year or two ago. Those were the days that kept me going...and on the bad days I'd think, "I'll just finish this workout today and if I
feel like quitting tomorrow, I'll pack it in." But then, after about day 50, giving up was not an option. What, was I going to get this far and then just bail? Forget that!
And now suddenly it's done! Today was my 100th workout, and I did it on day 99 - I wanted the grand finale to fall on Mothers' Day: my gift to myself. Over the last 10 days or so I've been feeling pretty worn out and overtrained, but I'm excited to see what I'm capable of once I get some rest. My first race of the year is 4 weeks from today and it will be the first race I've ever done where you can bet that I won't be standing on the beach before the gun goes off, wondering if I'm ready, if I trained enough, if I deserve to be there. 'Cause I did it! Hell yeah!
Starting again, again
I have done it again: landed my butt right back at square one, this time in record time! How did that happen? Especially since things were going so very well up until a couple of weeks ago? It's really amazing what can happen when a serial yo-yo-er falls off the wagon on her ass...
So here we are. I know there are lots, millions, of people who end up back here - I'm not special by any means, however my chosen line of work would suggest that I should probably know better, that I should have this dealt with, that I shouldn't still be struggling. (But there I go leaving piles of 'should' everywhere again and that's not the point. Ha ha.) The point is, I do still struggle with managing my weight (and the whole stupid confidence/self-esteem/self-worth monster that it tends to turn into despite all logic) and so I'm back to blogging in order to put it out there, to face the music, keep myself accountable, and hopefully lend some support to whoever needs it in the process.
The previous entry is a copy of a note I posted on FB just 3 weeks ago. I then dove headlong into a pretty extreme diet/workout plan, thinking that if I could do 100 days of tri training then certainly I could push through 25 days of that, which would bring me right up to race day (which is one week from today). Not so much though, and a combination of fatigue, overtraining, mental burnout, injury, and of course trying to be a working mom sent me into an epic tailspin. I can't help but laugh when I think that with a couple of well-timed rest days I could have avoided this! Oh well. No point in crying over spilt milk though; just have to get pissed off enough to fix it.
Days until Summerside Triathlon: 7!
So here we are. I know there are lots, millions, of people who end up back here - I'm not special by any means, however my chosen line of work would suggest that I should probably know better, that I should have this dealt with, that I shouldn't still be struggling. (But there I go leaving piles of 'should' everywhere again and that's not the point. Ha ha.) The point is, I do still struggle with managing my weight (and the whole stupid confidence/self-esteem/self-worth monster that it tends to turn into despite all logic) and so I'm back to blogging in order to put it out there, to face the music, keep myself accountable, and hopefully lend some support to whoever needs it in the process.
The previous entry is a copy of a note I posted on FB just 3 weeks ago. I then dove headlong into a pretty extreme diet/workout plan, thinking that if I could do 100 days of tri training then certainly I could push through 25 days of that, which would bring me right up to race day (which is one week from today). Not so much though, and a combination of fatigue, overtraining, mental burnout, injury, and of course trying to be a working mom sent me into an epic tailspin. I can't help but laugh when I think that with a couple of well-timed rest days I could have avoided this! Oh well. No point in crying over spilt milk though; just have to get pissed off enough to fix it.
Days until Summerside Triathlon: 7!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Cleanse Day 2
AAAAaaaaarrrrgggghhh!
I am SO grouchy today; the sugar withdrawal is gnawing away at my brain and it's getting me nuts! (mmmm...nuts) It's amazing how much it's possible to bury frustration and shame and anger and loneliness with sugar without even realizing it, then when eating sugar is no longer an option we are completely broadsided by the tidal wave of pain and heartache. I mean, I had some idea it was there having been through this cleanse before, but it is always a shock.
And all that mess aside, eating has become so totally depressing that although I'm physically hungry, the thought of more raw greens or meat is just...well...off-putting. I mean, I just ate an entire fucking english cucumber! In one sitting! and I still feel like eating!
I don't want to get too dark about stuff, but I feel the need to comment on the fact that being back on the wagon, this time with hired help, has left me pretty angry. Went to the gym this morning and felt like everyone could see right through me, as though I have the word 'FAILURE' written across my forehead. Then again, maybe that's just the withdrawal talking, because I tried doing some weightlifting this morning (for the first time since my concussion) and it felt SO good.
Oatmeal tomorrow morning!! And COFFEE! and...and...blueberries! pant pant drool drool
I am SO grouchy today; the sugar withdrawal is gnawing away at my brain and it's getting me nuts! (mmmm...nuts) It's amazing how much it's possible to bury frustration and shame and anger and loneliness with sugar without even realizing it, then when eating sugar is no longer an option we are completely broadsided by the tidal wave of pain and heartache. I mean, I had some idea it was there having been through this cleanse before, but it is always a shock.
And all that mess aside, eating has become so totally depressing that although I'm physically hungry, the thought of more raw greens or meat is just...well...off-putting. I mean, I just ate an entire fucking english cucumber! In one sitting! and I still feel like eating!
I don't want to get too dark about stuff, but I feel the need to comment on the fact that being back on the wagon, this time with hired help, has left me pretty angry. Went to the gym this morning and felt like everyone could see right through me, as though I have the word 'FAILURE' written across my forehead. Then again, maybe that's just the withdrawal talking, because I tried doing some weightlifting this morning (for the first time since my concussion) and it felt SO good.
Oatmeal tomorrow morning!! And COFFEE! and...and...blueberries! pant pant drool drool
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Cleanse Day 1
So I have probably eaten 5% of my weight in vegetables and a small ocean's worth of tuna and shrimp today...and nothing else. Argh!
And there's one more day. Only one more day of plain protein and raw greens and then I can start the actual program - and I don't think oatmeal will ever have tasted so damn good! Yes, I am a wussbag; I can only think of what people who compete do to their bodies and marvel at their discipline and focus.
One more day. I can do this.
And there's one more day. Only one more day of plain protein and raw greens and then I can start the actual program - and I don't think oatmeal will ever have tasted so damn good! Yes, I am a wussbag; I can only think of what people who compete do to their bodies and marvel at their discipline and focus.
One more day. I can do this.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Here we go again!
So I sucked up the bitter dregs of defeat today and returned to a weight-loss center (which shall remain nameless for the protection of all involved - me!) that I used to frequent 4 years ago or so...thinking that it would be this hideous, shameful experience. And part of it was; my initial weigh-in was even worse than what my own scale blinked out at me last night: 190.2lbs!!! Holy Shitballs!
But you know what? I'm feeling pretty stoked about this! It's going to work. It was actually the high point of my day today; I am so relieved to be doing something - anything - to move forward.
So tomorrow I start the program! It starts with a two-day cleanse which is going to feel like absolute crap, but all sarcasm aside, I am totally looking forward to it! Whoohoo!
But you know what? I'm feeling pretty stoked about this! It's going to work. It was actually the high point of my day today; I am so relieved to be doing something - anything - to move forward.
So tomorrow I start the program! It starts with a two-day cleanse which is going to feel like absolute crap, but all sarcasm aside, I am totally looking forward to it! Whoohoo!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Yikes!
Happy New Year!
I have been down for the count for the last little while thanks to a 25lb plate that I dropped right on my face in mid-December, but I am clawing my way back to normal a bit at a time...it actually made for a wonderfully peaceful and lazy Christmas/holiday season! But here we are, back to life and no more excuses. So much has happened since I last posted that I hardly know where to begin, but here's the thing: Shannon forced me (yes, FORCED - she can be a pretty willful kid when she sets her mind to something and I have to respect it since she's so easygoing most of the time) to weigh myself tonight because I admitted to her that I am afraid to get on the scale. I haven't been able to work out for the last three weeks (argh) because of the aforementioned concussion and I have felt myself quickly sliding backwards in the weight-loss department. I knew what was coming, I just didn't want to face it. What I didn't know was just how bad it was...
So, since it's a new year and desperate times call for desperate measures, I am going to seek out help again. I am also going to own up to this disaster and go back to posting numbers, a la Biggest Loser. What I am not going to do is feel bad about it; it is what it is and gaining some weight doesn't make me a bad person. Right?
Right. I can't help but feel like my professional credibility is going down the shitter though...
I'm going to give you a number any second now.
Here it comes....
Argh! Just do it!
188lbs! Holy Crap! How did I let this happen??
Stay tuned...I may just be pissed off enough to fix it.
I have been down for the count for the last little while thanks to a 25lb plate that I dropped right on my face in mid-December, but I am clawing my way back to normal a bit at a time...it actually made for a wonderfully peaceful and lazy Christmas/holiday season! But here we are, back to life and no more excuses. So much has happened since I last posted that I hardly know where to begin, but here's the thing: Shannon forced me (yes, FORCED - she can be a pretty willful kid when she sets her mind to something and I have to respect it since she's so easygoing most of the time) to weigh myself tonight because I admitted to her that I am afraid to get on the scale. I haven't been able to work out for the last three weeks (argh) because of the aforementioned concussion and I have felt myself quickly sliding backwards in the weight-loss department. I knew what was coming, I just didn't want to face it. What I didn't know was just how bad it was...
So, since it's a new year and desperate times call for desperate measures, I am going to seek out help again. I am also going to own up to this disaster and go back to posting numbers, a la Biggest Loser. What I am not going to do is feel bad about it; it is what it is and gaining some weight doesn't make me a bad person. Right?
Right. I can't help but feel like my professional credibility is going down the shitter though...
I'm going to give you a number any second now.
Here it comes....
Argh! Just do it!
188lbs! Holy Crap! How did I let this happen??
Stay tuned...I may just be pissed off enough to fix it.
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