Meat and Cheese

I am in the process of replacing all my bras, tanks, etc., which is turning out to be a somewhat painful process, and the reason for said crusade is a little bit odd: I am growing. And for once, I am totally okay with this, because it's my arms and shoulders and back that are going and getting all huge! Whoohoo!

I even considered posting some pictures but figure it may be a little self-indulgent of me at this point. We'll wait a couple of weeks on that one, maybe. Anyway, I am in the middle of week 3 (since I got to where I could actually do my 5-day split in a week) and I'm amazed at the changes in my upper body, especially considering that I have been somewhat less than perfect in the diet department. The good news is, I am working on it and slowly making changes for the better. Taking in way more protein and all that stuff (although I'm getting really effin' sick of canned tuna!) and it may be time to get on the scale again soon, just to see where I'm at.

So what's the problem? I'll tell you what the problem is, ladies and gentlemen: it's my butt and thighs! They have not changed, and I'm afraid I spent entirely too much time looking at them in a 3-way mirror under fluorescent lights today. Oh well, a little bit of negative reinforcement never hurt anyone, and I have to say that I drew some inspiration from the mess back there to re-double my efforts! Maybe Darth Vader is hiding in my ass...

Seeing as how I'm getting towards halfway through my program, I have been considering where to go from here. Originally my plan was to start training hard-core for the ironman after Christmas, but I have hit a giant hitch in the long-distance triathlon department: the ankle that I fractured last June has not healed properly and it looks like distance running will not be part of my future. I'm not sure how to feel about this; I don't think I'm broken-hearted over it - after all I am 32 years old and was never going to achieve anything momentous in that department, but it was sure fun to dream about (M-dot tattoo!!). Then again, even at my leanest and fittest, I am not physically suited for triathlon anyway. So I think I will continue to tri but stick to the shorter distances...but that still leaves me devoid of a Goal. Maybe that's a good thing for now?

Worrying about weight is...

just plain stupid.

I've had a revelation, everyone! Check this out: I did it! Last week I did the WHOLE, 5-day, body-through-the-meat-grinder split for the FIRST time, and I'm so ridiculously happy about it that I just have to keep doing it! Again and again! So now I'm about halfway through week 2 and feeling fan-ass-tabulous - really amazing - and curiosity got the better of me this morning and I just had to step on the scale to see what had happened. Keep in mind that it's been about 2 1/2 weeks since I last weighed myself and in that amount of time I have dropped almost a full dress size, eaten better than I have in ages and have just generally felt slimmer and stronger than I have, well, ever. And sore. Did I mention sore? I hurt everywhere but I am nurturing a good healthy addictive relationship with lactic acid, so not to worry. Anyway, my body is changing lots and judging from the random comments I have been getting from the regular gym-rats (and my wonderful, supportive husband who is required to notice things like this), it's starting to show a little bit.

Needless to say, I was expecting a pretty dramatic change when I stepped on the scale, and I got it: I AM NOW HEAVIER THAN I WAS WHEN I STARTED THIS BLOG!! Seriously, what gives?
How on earth did I put on over 5lbs when I'm working this hard?? And where did it go? It's not like I'm bigger or have more dimples on my ass for my trouble.

So here's what I think. The number on the scale is just a number, and it's only a tiny part of what's really going on. I have started back into the Abel diet and I am going to keep doing what I'm doing 'cause it feels fucking great!

A toast...

I know it's been a while since I've posted; I've been mulling a few things over and think it's time to strike out in a new direction...and here it is:

I feel great!! How did that happen, you ask? Well, like I mentioned in my last post, the very week I tossed the whole extreme diet idea out the window and decided to just approach self-improvement from the inside out (so to speak), I lost 3.5lbs. All I did was try to eat wisely (and regularly) and continue chipping away at this crazy-ass figure competition 5-day split designed by Scott Abel. I should also mention that that whole week was Sarah's nasty flu relapse-thing and I don't think I slept more than about an hour and a half at a stretch EVER. I should have gained 10lbs that week, but I didn't....because stress = cortisol = water retention, bloat, and fat storage, and since I made the conscious decision to just accept without judgement and quit freakin' worrying and obsessing about it, I was free! I think, anyway.

So I haven't gotten on the scale in a week and a half. I think I'm doing pretty well; my body is changing and I feel stronger and more energetic than I have in ages. I also don't feel compelled to snack as much and (here's the craziest thing) I DON'T NEED COFFEE AS SOON AS I WAKE UP! AND this is the first week that I will get my whole 5-day split in. Sssssomebody ssssstop me!

I know at some point I will have to get on the scale again, just to see how I'm doing, but right now I'm a bit afraid - I am enjoying this little happy-bubble that I've created too much to pop it just yet. Will keep you all posted - cheers!

Where to start?

Last week I conceded defeat...I felt like I had been trying so hard and I was beating myself up for every tiny failure, and it was really getting me down. I was driving myself and everyone around me crazy, so I thought, "maybe if I just stop worrying about the number on the scale and just work on keeping a better emotional balance and stay healthy (mentally mostly but physically too), I will be able to tackle the weight loss issue in a few weeks."

So that's what I did. It should have been a pretty crappy week; kids were STILL sick (the flu stayed with Sarah for about a week and Shannon suffered a BIG relapse too - but it's on its way out now, thank goodness), there was VERY little sleep, but I did what I could, used what I've learned so far, and just tried to be easier on myself. The other thing that happened was that I took a life coaching course which I will get into in a minute here, but I just have to share this first: this morning I thought I might as well get on the scale - not to judge, just to see - and this week there was THE SINGLE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE SINCE I STARTED BLOGGING!!! WHOOHOO!!

Something is working! I don't want to analyze it too much - I'm going to keep leaving the numbers out and we'll see what happens. And now, to the life coaching course. I don't really know where to start; there was so very much that resonated with me that it will take a little while to digest. Right now, I feel like my guts have been torn open, wrung out, and put back together the way my father-in-law builds things: it all looks right and seems to work, but there are all these extra pieces left over...I obviously have some homework to do but I think - no, I KNOW - that ultimately I will be better for going through this process, and for the first time I am looking forward to it. Already I feel lighter (must be the extra pieces), happier and more inspired. And a bit raw.

It's going to be an interesting week!

Adios, scale!

Okay, I admit it: I didn't post first thing this morning because I have been wrestling with an elephant. I hate to even write this down, but I have to admit defeat for now in the weight loss department....because it's getting frustrating to write about and boring to read!

I have referred vaguely to a health problem in past posts and it is becoming clear to me that I need to get my body's equilibrium back in order to succeed at getting my weight under control; trying to do both at the same time is driving me crazy. I keep thinking that if I can only get this diet or that plan down to a habit then I can deal with other things that need fixing, but then I get so angry with myself over not being able to do such a little thing that it bleeds into other parts of my life...when really, I think I have been approaching this self-improvement game backwards. Don't get me wrong, weight loss is still on the priority list, it's just been bumped down a notch until I get my head (and my, um, hormonal/chemical imbalances) back into the right place.

So where to from here? Do I keep blogging? I don't know. I don't want to put more depressing shit out there; this blog was intended to be a lighthearted look at all the stupid things we do to ourselves in the name of the number on the scale and I've gone kinda dark on everyone (sorry.) I fully intend to keep inching toward completing my 5 day workout split inside a week (and I got a little closer this week!), I have the 1/2 ironman this summer and I just signed up to do the Ride to Conquer Cancer again. The goals have remained the same...so maybe what I'll do is keep posting once a week and leave the numbers out until I am ready to focus on weight loss again. Hopefully that will be sooner than later!

Help!

Okay everyone, I have hit a real low point and I need some motivation...or some sleep...or something. Started out this week feeling 10 feet tall and bulletproof, and all it took was for my family to get sick, a couple of sleepless nights, and I am back to stuffing sugar into my face just to keep going. No time to work out and no energy to create the time.

I know that on some level I am choosing to fail here. Did you see the Biggest Loser on Tuesday? I actually came close to shedding a tear for Amanda; she is exactly where I was 5 or 6 years ago: so used to being the fat girl that nobody expects anything from that the possibility of success is the scariest idea imaginable...it's all a matter of what we're used to. This week I am scurrying back to where my comfort zone was for all those years but the problem is that it's gone! This isn't fun anymore! Overeating doesn't make me feel better; quite the opposite - which is probably a good thing in the big picture, but what about right now? What is there to fall back on? Can't go work out; I'm home alone with the girlies (whose incessant fighting and chattering and demands for snacks are driving me insane) and I am sliding into a really foul mood. Clearly I need a strategy for dealing with days like this. Suggestions?

Doing something right!

This week: 178.6
+/-: -2.0
Net: going to start over again from last week, so -2.0

Well, in spite of my little bender on Friday night and a slipup here and there from Wednesday on (yep, coming clean - I'm not proud of this but almost every day I buckled to some extent) I managed to work off a couple. Going to have to clean up my act...but perhaps cold turkey was too tall an order for week one. And did those first few days ever suck! Here's what I learned though:

1. I have a pretty hardcore psychological addiction to sugar, and chocolate in particular. Caught myself going straight to the kitchen every time I felt like I was losing control over my emotional state, which was WAY too often. This week would have been stressful anytime, but I also think that (warning: TMI ahead) my hormonal imbalance problems came and bit me on the ass this week too. This hasn't gone away; the Hannah Montana movie made me cry this morning which is a sure sign that my brain is frayed pretty badly.

2. Eating every couple of hours is a way better plan than going without food for eight hours at a time. Shocker!

3. Eating no fruit sucks.

4. I am pretty fucking sick of rice cakes! That didn't take long. Plus, honestly they are nutritional zeroes and I am going to have to find some other alternative. Styrofoam packing chips, perhaps?

5. I may be in danger of developing gills from eating so much fish. Sent Scott Abel an email mid-week to ask if I can PUH-LEEZ add chicken breast back in as a protein source because all the fish is going to make my family revolt. Got the ok to use chicken too, but it's still a hell of a lot of fish. MMMmmmmm.

So here we go again. Will check in mid-week.

Brain cramps and other muscle pain...

I'm having an existential problem.

For the first time in ages I am not dreading getting on the scale tomorrow, and this morning as I was leaving work to embark on a series of errands, I thought, "why am I doing this?". Honestly, is this relentless pursuit of physical perfection really worth it? All this stress? Am I ever going to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see? I might be the world's most ripped 75-year-old when that happens...but what then?

I think that the last few weeks have been the wrong time to do this, maybe. There's so much other stuff going on that stressing over being a hypocritical porky trainer is just making everything worse. But hell, there's no time like the present, right? I think if I DON'T do this for myself, NOW, then I won't be able to live with myself. Besides, having my ass kicked this week has been really fun (hey, isn't it part of the job to have a really fucked up sense of what "fun" is? ha ha) and I can't stop now! I at least have to keep going until I can get my 5-day program in inside a week...here's what this week looked like:

Sunday - 1st HALF of day one (half!! ha ha!) and just about puked.
Monday - day 2 (all of it! Yeah!)
Tuesday - Couldn't move. Downed copious amounts of ibuprofen to go to taekwondo.
Wednesday - 2nd half of day one, and taught abs class.
Thursday - Taekwondo workout only...
Friday - 1st half of day 3
Saturday - Nothing!

Booyah! Look at me go! The thing about this program is that every day is full body but it's programmed so artfully that it actually works. It has also been sort of a wake-up call; I figured I was pretty strong but I have been hurting in new places all week. Which is awesome! Need more!

So, to the diet...

Argh. Confession time: I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this. Hello, my name is Hannah and I am addicted to sugar. This week was really hard and I learned lots about myself in the process, namely that I self-medicate with food and I eat when I feel out of control (which is most of the time when I'm at home). I also eat when I'm tired (which is most of the time when I'm at home). Clearly I have some issues surrounding food, and (beware:gratuitous self-pity ahead) I'm feeling kind of weighed down and emotionally exhausted from other stuff too. Not really a good combination, which is how I arrived at the place where I started this entry. It's also the reason why I was good all week and then last night I decided to dive off the wagon into a bottle of GM! But you know what? I don't regret it in the least. So there!

Judgement day tomorrow...

Back to Ground Zero

This week: 180.6
-0.2
Net: not much!!

Well, this week I did give up, in a sense. It has become apparent to me that I am incapable of doing this without someone outside my own head babysitting me, so I have enlisted the help of trainer and hardass extraordinaire, Scott Abel.

I sent him the required information, which included detailed information about my habits and lifestyle and also some (very humbling) pictures of me wearing minimal clothing from a variety of unflattering angles, and he has designed a diet program specific to my needs. I also have a workout program from him, which, having done the first half (HALF!) of day one today, may very well kill me. In the interest of brevity I will spare you the details as usual, but I was a nauseous, boneless pile of goo by the end of the hour, and was VERY grateful that the girlies ran out of time in the kid care room at the gym.

So what is this diet about? Well, for the first six weeks (because it takes 6 weeks to form or break a lifestyle habit) my mission is to break my sugar addiction.
Cold turkey (no pun intended, because we ate lots of cold turkey this week...which just means that I will not miss it). Basically I am eating 5 times per day come hell or high water, but what I eat will consist of lots of lean protein in the form of either fish or cottage cheese or protein powder, lots of veggies, and limited amounts of starch. No sugar, no wheat, no fruit. What is nice about this plan is that I have very few decisions to make, which is what I wanted, and someone else is insisting that I eat regularly - something that I have trouble with, left to my own devices.

I got the new plan on Thursday, and I figured that since I was in Calgary Friday and Saturday, I had better just use that last few days to say good-bye to my favorite foods and mentally prepare for the next 6 weeks, making today Day One. So far, so good...

Deep Fried Pickles

This week: 180.8
+/-: +2.8
Net +/-: -0.4

Yep, I was expecting that this morning. Feeling pretty puffy and my wedding ring is threatening to blow up my finger, where usually it's pretty loose...I feel like I'm typing with Homer Simpson's hands. But it was worth it for a pretty awesome evening! I will spare you all the gruesome details, but suffice it to say that I would have probably been better off if the server at Sherlock Holmes had brought me one of those big blue salt licks. On the other hand, I can now take "eat deep-fried dill pickles" off my bucket list and none of you ever need to try them. Unless you want to. Consider yourselves warned though: something that is normally really yummy when it's ice cold and crunchy is generally apt to lose some of its yumminess when it's battered, deep-fried, and served warm.

And limp.

Go where you like with that one.

At any rate, I was sort of feeling like I was doing okay this week up until yesterday. Was slightly derailed by injury, so I haven't worked out at all since Wednesday, but I feel like I've made some degree of peace with the Paleo Diet. It's better as a guideline than as a gospel, so I have added some grains back into my diet and reunited myself with yogurt. Also, and I'm not particularly proud of this, but I had chocolate every day this week. Not too much, but it was there.

So where to from here? I'll admit that when I got on the scale this morning I was pretty depressed and I'm closer to just giving up today than I have been in a long time. Because honestly, who wants to fight with their weight constantly? I could get hit by a bus or diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow - shouldn't I just be grateful for good health? Or is it lazy of me to accept my mediocrity?

Yes, and yes. So I think it's necessary to set some more specific goals. Will think on that while I throw the turkey in the oven...

Fuck you, fridge

This week: 178.0
+/-: -1.6 (Thank goodness...)
Net +/-: -3.2

There's a shocker! Maybe it's delayed justice from last week, 'cause this week sure wasn't anything special. Can't help but still feel a little bummed by my apparent lack of progress overall, but I will take this little bit of motivation and run with it. Got lots of great training in this week and I feel like I'm building some momentum in that department...the thing is, I LIKE working out. It never feels like a chore, unlike certain other changes that have to happen if weight loss is to occur!

I'm starting to hate food. I want to say to the cupboards: "You guys suck! You are never stocked with what I need at the right times, and you, baking cupboard, you suck harder than anyone! Keep your stinking chocolate chips to yourself, you evil shitty temptress!"

To the Paleo Diet book: "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on! I don't even like meat very much! Are you trying to force me into a miserable existence, devoid of all the comforts I have come to take for granted? Don't you know I'm tired and emotionally spent and am liable to set you on fire if you don't let me have chocolate on a daily basis? Don't answer any of those questions."

To the fridge: " You rotten giant box of rotten leftovers! You are a space-eating, energy-guzzling reminder of all the best-laid plans and forgotten work that I put in thinking I was going to behave myself. That roasted pork tenderloin stares up at me like a sad, severed pig penis that I can't possibly stomach anymore...just stop it! Go away and leave me the hell alone!"

Ranting done. In light of the fact that following the paleo diet 100% was overwhelming last week and I ended up making lots of bad mistakes because I was aiming too high, this week I am just going to take it one day at a time. The Paleo Diet for Athletes is on its way; although I know it's a stretch to call myself an athlete, perhaps it will help me stay a little closer to the straight and narrow. Will check in in a couple of days.

So here it's Friday and I've blown the whole week to shit, again. Trained hard every day, to the point where just about everything hurts...but we're back to the no sleep routine and truly, I have spent this week in survival mode. Nobody's eating that well, the house looks like it's been bombed, I come home from work every day and have zero energy to play with Sarah until Shannon gets home...and I tell ya, I am absolutely swimming in mommy-guilt because I'm back to being the grumpy old over-tired mom again. I'm even beginning to wonder if I'm bi-polar or something, because last week I was so happy! Oh wait, last week I got sleep. Never mind. At any rate, I have been feeling horrid on lots of levels and the emotional eating is really out of control.

So here is the question: when my fortitude and resolve are down to zero, how do I not mess up the plan? 'Cause really, I'm getting pretty sick of feeling this helpless. It makes me angry.

As far as I can see, I have a few options open to me in my quest to drop this last 30lbs (okay, 35 - who do I think I'm kidding here?). They are:

1. Go back to Weight Watchers or some sort of other weight-loss program. Pro: more support.
Con: do I really need to spend money on a program? I know what it takes. I just have to DO it.
Con: I don't believe in counting calories or points or whatever - that worked for me once but it's not a sustainable habit, therefore it's not a long-term solution.
Con: I have NO time to do anything for myself right now - NONE.

That was depressing. It's true; lots of people say that they have no time and my typical response is: "Bullshit! You have to MAKE time if it's important to you." But really, Joel's and my schedule is packed so tight right now that there really isn't time for me to start another project that's going to involve scheduled meetings. And like I said before, I know about weight loss and nutrition; I don't need to be spoon-fed information on how to read nutrition labels. Which then leads me to...

2. Do my best, keep working out and training hard, try to stick to the program and accept the occasional spill as inevitable. Pro: What could be better? Con: Spills lately are more than occasional; they are crippling my efforts on the good days.

3. Give up and get fat. This would include quitting my job since I can't get fat and out of shape (well, any more than I already am) and call myself a trainer in good conscience.
Actually, you know what? Let's strike #3 off the list; it is NOT an option.

So where does that leave me? I guess it means that I need to get more sleep, one way or another. Maybe if I go to bed right now, it will seem better in the morning.

WHAT??

This week: 179.6
This week +/- : +1.2
Net +/- : -1.4

ARRRRRGH!! Well, the biggest loser I'm not, I guess - if I'm not careful I'm going to get voted off my own blog...but seriously, I worked hard at it this week and I'm feeling a little ripped off right now!

Let's have an objective look at what I did this week then, shall we? I didn't have the Paleo Diet book yet at the beginning of the week, so I stuck to what I knew of the program and (mostly) eliminated starch and sugar and dairy. Except for Tuesday and yesterday...and if I'm honest those were pretty sizeable departures from the program! Anyway, the book is here, I've read most of it, and this week there are no excuses. None!

Sheesh...this is going to suck a little bit.

As far as everything else goes, this week was awesome. The new pill isn't making me sick anymore and for the first time in ages, I feel great! I got (some) good sleep, I have lots of energy and patience, and I worked out every day this week except yesterday. Yesterday was pretty special; I felt like the Human Torch all day - haven't been so sore in ages! Maybe that accounts for the weight gain...or maybe it's because (and this may be another overshare here, so my apologies) of PMS-related bloating. Which is cool, because it means that my body is actually behaving itself! Whee!

So this week the biggest challenge is going to be finding the time to work out; I'm afraid that I'm going to have to return to the 5am routine because work has gotten crazy. And if there's any justice in the world, any at all, next Sunday's weigh-in will be better. Here goes!

If you don't fall..

...you don't learn. That's what one of our taekwondo masters said today, and it sure rang true in my ears! I almost didn't go to class today; apparently the psychological scars from testing on Friday are still wide open and I wanted to either turn around and drive home in tears, or puke...but the girlies were nervous about going back too so there was no showing weakness. Not much, anyway.
It was a great class though, and I'm very glad I went.

I was actually going to call today's post "This woman will self-destruct in 10...9...8..." because I had SUCH a good couple of days - NO starch at all for 2 days and I was feeling ridiculously good, and then it all went to shit today. I mean, what the hell? Why do I do this to myself? It's not like I don't know better!

I blame the cookies. Tuesday is my special mommy-and-Sarah day, and just about her favorite thing to do together is bake something. Today it was cookies. I started out (paving the road to hell) with the best intentions; we were going to make super-healthy nut-butter-flax cookies. I have been diligently working away at using up the ends of stuff in our cupboards (in preparation for the biggest trip to costco ever, coming up early next month) so I was very creative with what went into the cookie dough...and we ended up with the most mother-beautiful cookie dough that I didn't even want to bake them. But, as always, they were better baked so needless to say I made a giant sow out of myself, first on dough and then on cookies. Blargh.

So I fell down, hopefully learned something, and tomorrow is a new day. The Paleo Diet is on it's merry way here as I tap away at my keyboard; looking forward to reading about how to do this properly. I'm pretty psyched considering how great I felt when I ditched the starch for two days!

Onward and downward!

It's weigh-in day! Not that I'm expecting anything at all yet again this week...

Weight: 178.4 WHOOHOO! Haven't gone up! Hell yeah!
This week: -.6
Net loss: -2.8 (Wow, 2.8lbs in what, 4 weeks? 5 weeks? Oh well. It's been kind of a rough few weeks health-wise so I'll just be happy that I haven't GAINED 10lbs and press on.)

I wrote a little bit yesterday about the Paleo Diet but didn't go into too much detail since I don't have the book yet. (The library doesn't have it and I am too tight-fisted to just buy it, so I am waiting for the Chapters gift card that I ordered with my air miles!) Here is what I know about it from the website (which, if you're curious is, http://www.thepaleodiet.com): I am going to subsist on meat, veggies, fruit, and nuts. NO dairy, no starchy tubers, no beans, legumes, grains, or sugar. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? I am not sure how this is going to work exactly and I have a feeling that it's not feasible 100% of the time...but it should be an interesting experiment!

One thing I am pretty sure of, having paid more attention to what I'm eating this week, is that I'm not getting enough protein. If I follow the guideline of 0.7g - 1.0g of protein per pound of body-weight per day, that works out to 125 - 178g/day....which is considerably more than what I have been taking in.

So, for this week, the goal is to stick to a pretty light workout plan (no sense in getting carried away! One or two muscle groups per day with some cardio, and maybe, just maybe I'll get to the yoga studio) and start seriously decreasing sugar and starch. The thought of ditching dairy seems too awful to contemplate right now, so that will be a project for another week.
Here goes!

Hannah's Law

...is a term that Joel has (lovingly) coined in honour of what happened during my belt grading at taekwondo yesterday. It's largely the same as Murphy's Law, but more reliable and pertains only to my own self-sabotage, whether it's due to overconfidence or underconfidence. I will tell you the sordid tale in a minute here, but first I need to rant a little bit.

A couple of things have happened to piss me off of late. (Physically I am feeling much better, so it's largely due to that that I have the energy to actually get pissed off about something. I am VERY grateful and happy about this development, don't get me wrong.) One is that I had occasion today to wear normal street clothes. While this should not be a source of strife in itself, it doesn't happen very often - 99% of the time I am dressed either to work or to work out, which means that I live in completely elastic clothing. A good thing, yes, and I count myself lucky to be able to wear yoga pants to work, but it has successfully masked a whole other evil. An evil that has snuck up on me as I have spent the last oh, three months or so dragging my ass around, feeling like crap and not working out or eating properly...so I pulled a pair of cargo pants (previously quite comfy pants, it's important to note) out of my dresser, put them on, zipped them up (yup, could still do that), and...couldn't move. Oh dear. I could hear my grandmother saying "can you even FART in those pants??!"
Did some squats and some silly stretching to try to loosen them up, but there's no way I was going bowling in those.

So, ok. I knew I was a little heftier than last year, but that was a wake-up call. Grrr.

My other source of extreme irritation comes from something that hasn't happened yet: the Calgary Ironman 70.3 in 2010. A half-iron-distance triathlon that I am already signed up for. That is going to be one long day of racing and I REALLY need to be lean and fit in order to swim 2k, bike 90k, and run 21.1k at any kind of competitive speed. It's going to take lots of training too, that I have yet to start doing, and I'm starting to feel very afraid. It's great to have goals, but mine is moving steadily farther off into the distance!

The thing is, and this is going to sound ridiculous from someone in my line of work, but I don't know how to get there. Oh sure, I know how to design a training program and workout schedule and eating plan - it's the execution that's eluding me. How does a working mom who is completely exhausted most of the time, who is largely reliant on four food groups (coffee, chocolate, protein powder, and whatever's handy) for energy, overhaul her habits without killing herself (or anyone else)? THAT's my problem.

I've been thinking that the best way to do this is to make it black and white. Learning to eat properly (and do it out of habit, forever) is not like quitting smoking. One has to eat, but what if I set out a bunch of hard and fast rules....?
Enter the Paleo Diet. Something I've been pondering for a while; it's an extremely restrictive CRAZY program (but one of the healthiest diets out there) that will help me drop the extra weight for sure, IF I can stick to it. Either way, it will be fun to write about. I can't start it just yet because the book hasn't arrived and I'm not quite sure how to go about starting...but I'm starting to cut down on starch and increase my protein intake in preparation. So here we go!
Boy, it feels good to be back on the wagon.

Oh yeah, the belt test...I will spare you all the gory details; suffice it to say I have some new bloodstains on my nice white uniform, it took 14 (14!!) tries to break my board, and I think I have the hardest-won yellow stripe our school ever saw. It was a really special exercise in humility, and a massacre to those who witnessed it...but hey, it's done. And as Joel pointed out, isn't that what I signed up for when I started a martial art? Would it be all that special without some bruises and spilt blood?

...and again

Still 179.0 this week, which I'm pretty happy about considering I've been following a very strict regimen of eating whatever I want, whenever I want it, and hardly a workout in sight! Taught my abs class on Wednesday and did taekwondo Tuesday and Thursday but that is the sum of my discipline for now.
The blood work I did last week didn't show much except a very compromised immune system, so I'm into the second week of treatment and I'm hoping to start feeling like myself more so I can get back on the wagon. Will be nice to have some energy and my sense of humour back! When that happens I will post more regularly, I promise.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Well folks, it's weigh-in day, and I have to confess that I'm not expecting much. I've been quite the sloth this week, focusing not on exercising and eating properly, but on catching up on sleep. I didn't even finish my cleanse, but I'm blaming that on my darling husband who, whenever he came across a dirty great big bottle of diarrhea sitting on the counter (sorry, that's what it looks like), did the smart thing and poured it out, thus saving me from having to drink it.

I saw the Dr. on Thursday about this invisible lardass of an elephant who's been sitting on my shoulders for the past few weeks. Not much to report there; had some blood work done on Friday and hopefully will find out next week why going up the 14 stairs in my house is leaving me winded. Needless to say, there was no working out this week either...so, what's the verdict?

Weight: 179.0
This week: +1.0
Total: -2.2

Could be worse. Will forge ahead, and damned if I'm going to see 180 on that scale ever again!!

I've been feeling a little morose lately; I have decided to sell off my glass-working equipment. Half of our basement is taken up by my workbench right now; various crockpots full of acids and toxic chemicals, tanks of gas, torches, failed experimental metal and glass projects, tools, glass, beads, and rack after rack of finished jewelry litter two large tables that haven't been used in years. I miss it like crazy, and just going down there bums me out because I just don't have the time to put into making jewelry that I used to...so I need it to go. Some of it, anyway.

I feel like I am saying good-bye to doing glass work forever. Joel says that's silly; that one day there will be more time for us to pursue our hobbies, but I don't see how that's possible; there are only so many hours in the day and there is so very much I want to do...maybe he's right and I will return to it someday, but in the meantime I need all my dusty tools to stop whispering at me.

Anyway, enough whining! The strange thing about having a blog like this is that it is practically a blank check for self-pity and self-indulgence, but wouldn't we all prefer to read silly stories and diarrhea analogies? I would.

Universe Juice

Remember that scene from Kung Fu Panda, where Tigress disdainfully looks at Po stuffing his face and says, her voice barbed, "It is said that the Dragon Warrior can survive on nothing but the dew from a single ginkgo leaf and the energy of the universe." To which Po replies, "Gonna need more than dew...and...universe juice."

I have this gross shit in the fridge called Greens + Extra Energy in two different flavors (I will leave it up to your imagination what the flavors are, because no matter what you dream up, it tastes worse. Trust me.) which in our house has been dubbed Universe Juice. On the mornings that my stomach is feeling particularly steely and I can actually gag it down, it makes me feel great, however, most of the time just the sight of that evil white jar in the fridge is enough to make me heave. I have a feeling that I've developed a sort of Pavlovian response to Universe Juice - this morning it really didn't taste all that bad (I only mixed half a scoop of the vile green shit with my new love, chocolate Dymatize protein powder) and I was smelling Universe Juice on everything for the rest of the day, everywhere. Ugh, just writing about Universe Juice is making me feel vaguely sick. At any rate, Joel was moved to comment this morning as I was washing down Universe Juice with cleanse juice while the children looked on with wrinkled noses, that "fitness people are insane!" And perhaps we are. But I tell ya, the vile brown cleanse juice (which looks a lot like it should on the way out, but going in? Not so much) sure tasted good after evil green Universe Juice.

In the interest of coming clean here, I feel it's only fair to acknowledge that I have sort of set aside the weight loss goal this week, which is both irretreivably lame and a relief. Lame because there have been so very many setbacks in this process and I'm sick of it, sick of hearing myself say "it's okay; this week I just need to get through ____________". The thing is, and I hate to admit this even to myself, but something's wrong. My energy has been slowly draining away, I don't recover from workouts in a reasonable amount of time, and I can't sleep at night. I have an idea of what it might be and I have to see the Dr. about it tomorrow which I also REALLY don't want to do. Not only because my doc is young and good-looking, though it doesn't help that I have to talk to him about such undignified subjects as the toxic waste dump that I have in my
uterus, but because I HATE admitting that I need help. I HATE that I may have to take some drugs to get back to normal. BAH!

Today's overshare was brought to you by the letter 'W' and Greens+. Try it! I dare you.

Whoohoo!

Wow, did it ever turn out to be a rough week...and I'm going to be brief here because it's past my bedtime, but I had to check in seeing as how it's weigh-in day.
And so, after a really terrible week where I didn't work out after Thursday at all and didn't stick all that well to my food plan (although I did manage to stay off the crap and didn't eat in the evenings at all - yay me), I lost 3.2lbs!! I'm sure it's because of the waffles and beer for supper last night - that must be it. Perhaps there's a book deal there: Waffles and Beer: the Weight Loss Guide for True Albertans (or something). Maybe I'll end up on Oprah! I knew there was a niche for me somewhere...

Into week 2 go I with (cue scary music) my cleanse kit in hand! I'm off work for a week after tomorrow, so I figure it's a good time to drink the herbal equivalent of WD-40 and a stick of dynamite every day - never have to be too far away from the bathroom. On the other hand, neither of the toilets in our house are working at full capacity - and no, there are no cell phones in either of them.

Off the wagon already!

Oh dear, it's been, um, a couple of days.

Joel has banished me to sleep in the basement because he wants his wife back, but I am finding it even harder to sleep down there. I keep hearing people getting up upstairs but I know I'll just get in trouble if I go try and help. So I am almost completely zombified at this point - not a situation conducive to effective meal planning and good time management!

The good news is that I didn't completely blow it yesterday. I stuck to my plan, mostly, until I ate lunch early and then took my girlies to the mall. We got home at 5pm, dinner was a full hour away and I already had the shakes - so to make a long story short, I ate more than I had planned, but no junk food. Small victory there...but I also had my workout interrupted halfway through and never went back and finished it. Argh.

This morning, after another sleepless night, I dragged my hurting carcass out of bed minutes before I needed to leave for work, fell back on the yucky energy drink (and I mean yucky! I really should have known better than to voluntarily buy mocha cappuccino-flavored pop, but the adrenaline rush from trying to keep my breakfast down after the first sip sure woke me up!), and went to work. One hour later I was on my way home again, this time to go over to the playschool for the toy cleaning. Got that started, then it was back to work for two more sessions, then home again for lunch before Joel and I took the girlies swimming...we got home too late for me to make supper and get us all to taekwondo, so - Subway!

Here's hoping for sleep tonight - or I just may need a defibrillator to get out of bed tomorrow.

Man, I love taekwondo. It gives me a chance to beat the shit out of my kids in a sportsman-like manner (we pull all our punches and kicks, of course, and use pool noodles for weaponry, but still). And it's at the best time of day; between 6:15 and 7pm - right when we'd all like to start beating on each other anyway! I just wish Joel was taking the class with us...

I hit my first big snag today. Bad choice of words! Not talking about taekwondo anymore...will try that again.

What consistently derails my diet and exercise efforts (that's better) is lack of sleep. It is SO frustrating and I can't understand why I'm not used to it by now, but it bit me HARD on the ass today, after a night of getting up with Sarah and getting bossed around by the stupid cats who must be fed and let out at 3:30am - there's no waiting until my alarm goes off an hour later for their majesties! Also, remember that awesome leg workout I got in yesterday? Oh, the pain...I am convinced that I don't recover well from workouts lately because I don't generally get much sleep. Anyway, spent the day with a piano tied to my butt and freakin' sore legs to drag it around with - a perfect recipe for falling off the wagon, especially when I came home from work to insane children and a husband with a dark cloud hanging over his head from dealing with them all morning...and guess what? I made it through! The only bending of the rules happened just before work, when, barely awake and faced with the dirty coffee pot from yesterday (yes, that is a bad habit of mine - I am NOT a housekeeper but that is another entry entirely) and the aforementioned piano tethered firmly to my hindquarters, I caved and knocked back an energy drink. Oh well - desperate times call for desperate measures!

I'd better go wash the coffee pot so that doesn't happen tomorrow.

Yesterday ended up being pretty easy. In fact, this food plan is pretty easy to follow in general - all common sense stuff like eating regularly and no junk food. Really my problem is that I have selective retardation in the organization department, so what I need is for someone to tell me what to eat and when to eat it. Especially at dinner!

Picture this: It's 5pm, I've been awake for 12+ hours and I'm starting to fade. The children have been alternately bugging me for snacks (even though it's only been 15 minutes since the last snack time) TV (or computer games or video games; they know the answer is going to be no, no, and FORGET IT AND DON'T ASK ME AGAIN, but just in case this one time they wear me down and I say yes, they have to ask) or a trip to the park (even though we just got back from the park before snack time) for the last 3 hours, nothing has been thawed out or planned, and I say "what does everyone want for supper?" Cue the chorus of "Cheese! Olives! Whipped cream! Halloween treats! S'mores! Pickles!" and then I either lay down on the couch and cry or grouchily drag my ass to the kitchen to make omelets, toast, and salad AGAIN. It's not the cooking that I don't like; it's the decision making - sometimes I want to scream, "can't someone else in this house make a decision about supper for once??" But we all know the answer to that question...mmm...olives.

So this planning out a week's worth of meals is working out well. It's bringing me back to a time when I wasn't trying to juggle motherhood, work, school, volunteer commitments, etc. and actually did take the time to plan meals...so here and now I resolve to make it a priority!

Awesome leg workout today; you know it's good when you feel like you're standing on a vibration trainer for the rest of the morning. Here's hoping running feels better tomorrow!

181.2...as good a starting point as anything, I guess.

It's worse than I thought. It appears as though I have started this project not a moment too soon! I have been avoiding stepping on the scale for exactly this reason, but clearly it's time to own up. Could be I'm a little puffy from last night's overindulgences, though; I did lose the battle against the Nutella and there is still a quarter of a jar or so in the fridge. After a lovely evening of watching Star Trek (TOS - awesome!) and feeling like I was going to launch a giant load of graham crackers and Nutella and (alright, since I'm being 100% honest) marshmallow cream all over the living room, I suspect I am immune to Nutella's charms. For now, anyway.

So - what's for breakfast? Must have caffeine first...coffee pot is still dirty from yesterday - blaugh - and I'm not mentally equipped to clean it just yet, so...green tea! I decided last night that the lox substitute is going to be swiss cheese; similiar in calories/protein/fat content to lox, much less fishy-smelling (always good in the morning), and, most importantly, readily available.

****************************************************************************

The lox (swiss cheese) benedict wasn't bad. The dill sauce didn't go that well with swiss cheese and made me think that maybe on Thursday when I have to make it again I will just take the bull by the balls and put lox on mine. The kids can eat Cheerios, since they (predictably) turned up their noses at eggs with green sauce for breakfast.

Argh! Need coffee! Time to wash the stinkin' pot and make some.

Here goes nothing!

Who the hell eats lox with eggs for breakfast?? Well, the plan was that I was going to, tomorrow morning, but it turns out that Save-on-Foods charges about eight bucks an ounce for lox. Hmph. Not much of an auspicious start, but no matter; I will figure out a suitable alternative...eating anything that smells like gonads for breakfast can't be that great an idea anyway.

For a long time now I have been muddling along in search of a Plan. You know what I mean: an exercise/diet program that will work over the long term without damning me to a lifetime of nibbling on lettuce in the kitchen while my family eats lasagna for supper. You might think that as a personal trainer, I should have that type of issue under control, but I'm still working on it...which is part of the reason why I do what I do. But I digress.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record to many of you (you know who you are and I apologize; I will understand if you chuck all your laptops out into the driveway or set your hair on fire or, at the very least, stop reading) this is the last time I'm doing this. The LAST time. I figure that putting my journey toward health and fitness out there for all to see will be an exercise (no pun intended) in catharsis; that I will be able to bid farewell to all the I can't's and I will's and other various abuses that I hurl at the mirror. If I can accomplish what I set out to do here, inspire anyone else to do the same, or even give someone a laugh along the way, I will have succeeded. You will get the good, the bad, the hideous, and the hilarious, and I intend to keep this blog up until, well...I get there, wherever it ends up.

So what am I setting out to do? I hate to sound tiresome and generic, but I am out to shed about 30lbs and...what? Get healthier? I guess...look better? Definitely...oh, wait, I know - be happier, be a better mom and a better example to my daughters (upon proofreading, Joel pointed out that I made no mention of being a better wife, but I am already perfect in that department - ha! ha!). So you are reading a weight-loss journal of sorts, a way for me to be accountable and hopefully entertaining - because if you can't laugh at yourself, you're in real trouble!

So it is Saturday night, and everything is ready. I have gone grocery shopping, my meal plan is done (courtesy of Oxygen magazine for this first week), and my workout plan is done (well, mostly). I have spent the day gearing myself up and preparing mentally to embark on this journey...and I'm looking forward to it, actually. Now all I have to do is take care of that damn jar of Nutella. Tomorrow morning I will weigh in, post the result, and then figure out what to eat instead of lox for breakfast.