Brain cramps and other muscle pain...

I'm having an existential problem.

For the first time in ages I am not dreading getting on the scale tomorrow, and this morning as I was leaving work to embark on a series of errands, I thought, "why am I doing this?". Honestly, is this relentless pursuit of physical perfection really worth it? All this stress? Am I ever going to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see? I might be the world's most ripped 75-year-old when that happens...but what then?

I think that the last few weeks have been the wrong time to do this, maybe. There's so much other stuff going on that stressing over being a hypocritical porky trainer is just making everything worse. But hell, there's no time like the present, right? I think if I DON'T do this for myself, NOW, then I won't be able to live with myself. Besides, having my ass kicked this week has been really fun (hey, isn't it part of the job to have a really fucked up sense of what "fun" is? ha ha) and I can't stop now! I at least have to keep going until I can get my 5-day program in inside a week...here's what this week looked like:

Sunday - 1st HALF of day one (half!! ha ha!) and just about puked.
Monday - day 2 (all of it! Yeah!)
Tuesday - Couldn't move. Downed copious amounts of ibuprofen to go to taekwondo.
Wednesday - 2nd half of day one, and taught abs class.
Thursday - Taekwondo workout only...
Friday - 1st half of day 3
Saturday - Nothing!

Booyah! Look at me go! The thing about this program is that every day is full body but it's programmed so artfully that it actually works. It has also been sort of a wake-up call; I figured I was pretty strong but I have been hurting in new places all week. Which is awesome! Need more!

So, to the diet...

Argh. Confession time: I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this. Hello, my name is Hannah and I am addicted to sugar. This week was really hard and I learned lots about myself in the process, namely that I self-medicate with food and I eat when I feel out of control (which is most of the time when I'm at home). I also eat when I'm tired (which is most of the time when I'm at home). Clearly I have some issues surrounding food, and (beware:gratuitous self-pity ahead) I'm feeling kind of weighed down and emotionally exhausted from other stuff too. Not really a good combination, which is how I arrived at the place where I started this entry. It's also the reason why I was good all week and then last night I decided to dive off the wagon into a bottle of GM! But you know what? I don't regret it in the least. So there!

Judgement day tomorrow...