Help!

Okay everyone, I have hit a real low point and I need some motivation...or some sleep...or something. Started out this week feeling 10 feet tall and bulletproof, and all it took was for my family to get sick, a couple of sleepless nights, and I am back to stuffing sugar into my face just to keep going. No time to work out and no energy to create the time.

I know that on some level I am choosing to fail here. Did you see the Biggest Loser on Tuesday? I actually came close to shedding a tear for Amanda; she is exactly where I was 5 or 6 years ago: so used to being the fat girl that nobody expects anything from that the possibility of success is the scariest idea imaginable...it's all a matter of what we're used to. This week I am scurrying back to where my comfort zone was for all those years but the problem is that it's gone! This isn't fun anymore! Overeating doesn't make me feel better; quite the opposite - which is probably a good thing in the big picture, but what about right now? What is there to fall back on? Can't go work out; I'm home alone with the girlies (whose incessant fighting and chattering and demands for snacks are driving me insane) and I am sliding into a really foul mood. Clearly I need a strategy for dealing with days like this. Suggestions?

Doing something right!

This week: 178.6
+/-: -2.0
Net: going to start over again from last week, so -2.0

Well, in spite of my little bender on Friday night and a slipup here and there from Wednesday on (yep, coming clean - I'm not proud of this but almost every day I buckled to some extent) I managed to work off a couple. Going to have to clean up my act...but perhaps cold turkey was too tall an order for week one. And did those first few days ever suck! Here's what I learned though:

1. I have a pretty hardcore psychological addiction to sugar, and chocolate in particular. Caught myself going straight to the kitchen every time I felt like I was losing control over my emotional state, which was WAY too often. This week would have been stressful anytime, but I also think that (warning: TMI ahead) my hormonal imbalance problems came and bit me on the ass this week too. This hasn't gone away; the Hannah Montana movie made me cry this morning which is a sure sign that my brain is frayed pretty badly.

2. Eating every couple of hours is a way better plan than going without food for eight hours at a time. Shocker!

3. Eating no fruit sucks.

4. I am pretty fucking sick of rice cakes! That didn't take long. Plus, honestly they are nutritional zeroes and I am going to have to find some other alternative. Styrofoam packing chips, perhaps?

5. I may be in danger of developing gills from eating so much fish. Sent Scott Abel an email mid-week to ask if I can PUH-LEEZ add chicken breast back in as a protein source because all the fish is going to make my family revolt. Got the ok to use chicken too, but it's still a hell of a lot of fish. MMMmmmmm.

So here we go again. Will check in mid-week.

Brain cramps and other muscle pain...

I'm having an existential problem.

For the first time in ages I am not dreading getting on the scale tomorrow, and this morning as I was leaving work to embark on a series of errands, I thought, "why am I doing this?". Honestly, is this relentless pursuit of physical perfection really worth it? All this stress? Am I ever going to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see? I might be the world's most ripped 75-year-old when that happens...but what then?

I think that the last few weeks have been the wrong time to do this, maybe. There's so much other stuff going on that stressing over being a hypocritical porky trainer is just making everything worse. But hell, there's no time like the present, right? I think if I DON'T do this for myself, NOW, then I won't be able to live with myself. Besides, having my ass kicked this week has been really fun (hey, isn't it part of the job to have a really fucked up sense of what "fun" is? ha ha) and I can't stop now! I at least have to keep going until I can get my 5-day program in inside a week...here's what this week looked like:

Sunday - 1st HALF of day one (half!! ha ha!) and just about puked.
Monday - day 2 (all of it! Yeah!)
Tuesday - Couldn't move. Downed copious amounts of ibuprofen to go to taekwondo.
Wednesday - 2nd half of day one, and taught abs class.
Thursday - Taekwondo workout only...
Friday - 1st half of day 3
Saturday - Nothing!

Booyah! Look at me go! The thing about this program is that every day is full body but it's programmed so artfully that it actually works. It has also been sort of a wake-up call; I figured I was pretty strong but I have been hurting in new places all week. Which is awesome! Need more!

So, to the diet...

Argh. Confession time: I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this. Hello, my name is Hannah and I am addicted to sugar. This week was really hard and I learned lots about myself in the process, namely that I self-medicate with food and I eat when I feel out of control (which is most of the time when I'm at home). I also eat when I'm tired (which is most of the time when I'm at home). Clearly I have some issues surrounding food, and (beware:gratuitous self-pity ahead) I'm feeling kind of weighed down and emotionally exhausted from other stuff too. Not really a good combination, which is how I arrived at the place where I started this entry. It's also the reason why I was good all week and then last night I decided to dive off the wagon into a bottle of GM! But you know what? I don't regret it in the least. So there!

Judgement day tomorrow...

Back to Ground Zero

This week: 180.6
-0.2
Net: not much!!

Well, this week I did give up, in a sense. It has become apparent to me that I am incapable of doing this without someone outside my own head babysitting me, so I have enlisted the help of trainer and hardass extraordinaire, Scott Abel.

I sent him the required information, which included detailed information about my habits and lifestyle and also some (very humbling) pictures of me wearing minimal clothing from a variety of unflattering angles, and he has designed a diet program specific to my needs. I also have a workout program from him, which, having done the first half (HALF!) of day one today, may very well kill me. In the interest of brevity I will spare you the details as usual, but I was a nauseous, boneless pile of goo by the end of the hour, and was VERY grateful that the girlies ran out of time in the kid care room at the gym.

So what is this diet about? Well, for the first six weeks (because it takes 6 weeks to form or break a lifestyle habit) my mission is to break my sugar addiction.
Cold turkey (no pun intended, because we ate lots of cold turkey this week...which just means that I will not miss it). Basically I am eating 5 times per day come hell or high water, but what I eat will consist of lots of lean protein in the form of either fish or cottage cheese or protein powder, lots of veggies, and limited amounts of starch. No sugar, no wheat, no fruit. What is nice about this plan is that I have very few decisions to make, which is what I wanted, and someone else is insisting that I eat regularly - something that I have trouble with, left to my own devices.

I got the new plan on Thursday, and I figured that since I was in Calgary Friday and Saturday, I had better just use that last few days to say good-bye to my favorite foods and mentally prepare for the next 6 weeks, making today Day One. So far, so good...

Deep Fried Pickles

This week: 180.8
+/-: +2.8
Net +/-: -0.4

Yep, I was expecting that this morning. Feeling pretty puffy and my wedding ring is threatening to blow up my finger, where usually it's pretty loose...I feel like I'm typing with Homer Simpson's hands. But it was worth it for a pretty awesome evening! I will spare you all the gruesome details, but suffice it to say that I would have probably been better off if the server at Sherlock Holmes had brought me one of those big blue salt licks. On the other hand, I can now take "eat deep-fried dill pickles" off my bucket list and none of you ever need to try them. Unless you want to. Consider yourselves warned though: something that is normally really yummy when it's ice cold and crunchy is generally apt to lose some of its yumminess when it's battered, deep-fried, and served warm.

And limp.

Go where you like with that one.

At any rate, I was sort of feeling like I was doing okay this week up until yesterday. Was slightly derailed by injury, so I haven't worked out at all since Wednesday, but I feel like I've made some degree of peace with the Paleo Diet. It's better as a guideline than as a gospel, so I have added some grains back into my diet and reunited myself with yogurt. Also, and I'm not particularly proud of this, but I had chocolate every day this week. Not too much, but it was there.

So where to from here? I'll admit that when I got on the scale this morning I was pretty depressed and I'm closer to just giving up today than I have been in a long time. Because honestly, who wants to fight with their weight constantly? I could get hit by a bus or diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow - shouldn't I just be grateful for good health? Or is it lazy of me to accept my mediocrity?

Yes, and yes. So I think it's necessary to set some more specific goals. Will think on that while I throw the turkey in the oven...

Fuck you, fridge

This week: 178.0
+/-: -1.6 (Thank goodness...)
Net +/-: -3.2

There's a shocker! Maybe it's delayed justice from last week, 'cause this week sure wasn't anything special. Can't help but still feel a little bummed by my apparent lack of progress overall, but I will take this little bit of motivation and run with it. Got lots of great training in this week and I feel like I'm building some momentum in that department...the thing is, I LIKE working out. It never feels like a chore, unlike certain other changes that have to happen if weight loss is to occur!

I'm starting to hate food. I want to say to the cupboards: "You guys suck! You are never stocked with what I need at the right times, and you, baking cupboard, you suck harder than anyone! Keep your stinking chocolate chips to yourself, you evil shitty temptress!"

To the Paleo Diet book: "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on! I don't even like meat very much! Are you trying to force me into a miserable existence, devoid of all the comforts I have come to take for granted? Don't you know I'm tired and emotionally spent and am liable to set you on fire if you don't let me have chocolate on a daily basis? Don't answer any of those questions."

To the fridge: " You rotten giant box of rotten leftovers! You are a space-eating, energy-guzzling reminder of all the best-laid plans and forgotten work that I put in thinking I was going to behave myself. That roasted pork tenderloin stares up at me like a sad, severed pig penis that I can't possibly stomach anymore...just stop it! Go away and leave me the hell alone!"

Ranting done. In light of the fact that following the paleo diet 100% was overwhelming last week and I ended up making lots of bad mistakes because I was aiming too high, this week I am just going to take it one day at a time. The Paleo Diet for Athletes is on its way; although I know it's a stretch to call myself an athlete, perhaps it will help me stay a little closer to the straight and narrow. Will check in in a couple of days.

So here it's Friday and I've blown the whole week to shit, again. Trained hard every day, to the point where just about everything hurts...but we're back to the no sleep routine and truly, I have spent this week in survival mode. Nobody's eating that well, the house looks like it's been bombed, I come home from work every day and have zero energy to play with Sarah until Shannon gets home...and I tell ya, I am absolutely swimming in mommy-guilt because I'm back to being the grumpy old over-tired mom again. I'm even beginning to wonder if I'm bi-polar or something, because last week I was so happy! Oh wait, last week I got sleep. Never mind. At any rate, I have been feeling horrid on lots of levels and the emotional eating is really out of control.

So here is the question: when my fortitude and resolve are down to zero, how do I not mess up the plan? 'Cause really, I'm getting pretty sick of feeling this helpless. It makes me angry.

As far as I can see, I have a few options open to me in my quest to drop this last 30lbs (okay, 35 - who do I think I'm kidding here?). They are:

1. Go back to Weight Watchers or some sort of other weight-loss program. Pro: more support.
Con: do I really need to spend money on a program? I know what it takes. I just have to DO it.
Con: I don't believe in counting calories or points or whatever - that worked for me once but it's not a sustainable habit, therefore it's not a long-term solution.
Con: I have NO time to do anything for myself right now - NONE.

That was depressing. It's true; lots of people say that they have no time and my typical response is: "Bullshit! You have to MAKE time if it's important to you." But really, Joel's and my schedule is packed so tight right now that there really isn't time for me to start another project that's going to involve scheduled meetings. And like I said before, I know about weight loss and nutrition; I don't need to be spoon-fed information on how to read nutrition labels. Which then leads me to...

2. Do my best, keep working out and training hard, try to stick to the program and accept the occasional spill as inevitable. Pro: What could be better? Con: Spills lately are more than occasional; they are crippling my efforts on the good days.

3. Give up and get fat. This would include quitting my job since I can't get fat and out of shape (well, any more than I already am) and call myself a trainer in good conscience.
Actually, you know what? Let's strike #3 off the list; it is NOT an option.

So where does that leave me? I guess it means that I need to get more sleep, one way or another. Maybe if I go to bed right now, it will seem better in the morning.