Cleanse Day 2

AAAAaaaaarrrrgggghhh!

I am SO grouchy today; the sugar withdrawal is gnawing away at my brain and it's getting me nuts! (mmmm...nuts) It's amazing how much it's possible to bury frustration and shame and anger and loneliness with sugar without even realizing it, then when eating sugar is no longer an option we are completely broadsided by the tidal wave of pain and heartache. I mean, I had some idea it was there having been through this cleanse before, but it is always a shock.

And all that mess aside, eating has become so totally depressing that although I'm physically hungry, the thought of more raw greens or meat is just...well...off-putting. I mean, I just ate an entire fucking english cucumber! In one sitting! and I still feel like eating!

I don't want to get too dark about stuff, but I feel the need to comment on the fact that being back on the wagon, this time with hired help, has left me pretty angry. Went to the gym this morning and felt like everyone could see right through me, as though I have the word 'FAILURE' written across my forehead. Then again, maybe that's just the withdrawal talking, because I tried doing some weightlifting this morning (for the first time since my concussion) and it felt SO good.

Oatmeal tomorrow morning!! And COFFEE! and...and...blueberries! pant pant drool drool

Cleanse Day 1

So I have probably eaten 5% of my weight in vegetables and a small ocean's worth of tuna and shrimp today...and nothing else. Argh!
And there's one more day. Only one more day of plain protein and raw greens and then I can start the actual program - and I don't think oatmeal will ever have tasted so damn good! Yes, I am a wussbag; I can only think of what people who compete do to their bodies and marvel at their discipline and focus.
One more day. I can do this.

Here we go again!

So I sucked up the bitter dregs of defeat today and returned to a weight-loss center (which shall remain nameless for the protection of all involved - me!) that I used to frequent 4 years ago or so...thinking that it would be this hideous, shameful experience. And part of it was; my initial weigh-in was even worse than what my own scale blinked out at me last night: 190.2lbs!!! Holy Shitballs!

But you know what? I'm feeling pretty stoked about this! It's going to work. It was actually the high point of my day today; I am so relieved to be doing something - anything - to move forward.

So tomorrow I start the program! It starts with a two-day cleanse which is going to feel like absolute crap, but all sarcasm aside, I am totally looking forward to it! Whoohoo!

Yikes!

Happy New Year!

I have been down for the count for the last little while thanks to a 25lb plate that I dropped right on my face in mid-December, but I am clawing my way back to normal a bit at a time...it actually made for a wonderfully peaceful and lazy Christmas/holiday season! But here we are, back to life and no more excuses. So much has happened since I last posted that I hardly know where to begin, but here's the thing: Shannon forced me (yes, FORCED - she can be a pretty willful kid when she sets her mind to something and I have to respect it since she's so easygoing most of the time) to weigh myself tonight because I admitted to her that I am afraid to get on the scale. I haven't been able to work out for the last three weeks (argh) because of the aforementioned concussion and I have felt myself quickly sliding backwards in the weight-loss department. I knew what was coming, I just didn't want to face it. What I didn't know was just how bad it was...

So, since it's a new year and desperate times call for desperate measures, I am going to seek out help again. I am also going to own up to this disaster and go back to posting numbers, a la Biggest Loser. What I am not going to do is feel bad about it; it is what it is and gaining some weight doesn't make me a bad person. Right?

Right. I can't help but feel like my professional credibility is going down the shitter though...

I'm going to give you a number any second now.


Here it comes....



Argh! Just do it!


188lbs! Holy Crap! How did I let this happen??


Stay tuned...I may just be pissed off enough to fix it.